Oh, fuck you.
Coming to terms with having a disability is not an easy feat. Especially when you have been told your entire life that you are capable of something. And then, to be bombarded with the idea that your disability shouldn’t affect you or your life is not only invalidating your experience, but also just downright infuriating.
“Can’t” was always a bit of a dirty word in my schools and home, and it still seems to be taboo in a lot of circles. Just like the image above says, there was no such thing as “can’t”, just “won’t”. Of course you can pay attention in class, you just won’t. Of course you can keep all these details in mind, you just won’t. Of course you can stop daydreaming and focus, you just won’t. Do you have any idea how harmful hearing these words is to a child with ADHD? I grew up convinced, utterly convinced that I was a lazy, worthless slob. That the only reason I failed at anything was because I let myself fail. I nearly drove myself into several nervous breakdowns throughout university, trying to force myself to focus on subjects I couldn’t stand, and yet I kept being told I wasn’t trying. I remember thinking that my idea of “trying” must be somehow distorted. I felt like I was working myself into exhaustion, but I was still failing. And everyone around me said that I was failing because I wasn’t trying. Clearly I just didn’t know what trying was.
Teaching myself the word “can’t” has been one of the biggest challenges I’ve faced throughout this process, and it is still something I struggle with. But it’s a fact. I have ADHD. I can’t direct my focus. I can’t make myself pay attention. I can teach myself techniques to help with that, I can use tools and medication to help slow my brain down or improve my memory, but I can’t use my brain and concentration the way neurotypical people do. And no amount of “positive attitudes” or “I wills” is going to change that.
I can’t do it.
And just saying those words has become so scary to me, in no small part because of of platitudes like those in the images above. Because to so many people, saying “I can’t” is a personal failing. It means a lack of conviction, of morality. It means laziness. Weakness.
I can’t do it.
I can’t.
I can’t.
That is not something to be ashamed of.
If I keep saying it to myself, maybe one day it will stick.
Diagnosed As An Adult 