I don’t know what feeds me anymore.
When I was younger, I feel like I knew how to refresh myself. I could spend take a day off to read books, play video games, watch horror movies, spend some time with my friends, and come away feeling ready to engage with life again. And somewhere along the way I forgot how to do that.
I try to give myself rest and space. I try to engage in the activities that I enjoy. But more and more I find that even doing these things takes precious energy, and I have none to spare. Watch a new movie? Play a game with an engaging storyline? Read a book? Write my own stories? It all takes mental stamina, and I have none to give. Easier to watch something I’ve seen a million times before, poke at social media or Bejewelled, leave my books closed and my stories unfinished. And yet I come away from that feeling depressed and unfulfilled. And even on the rare occasions that I manage to sleep for eight or nine hours, when I wake up all I want is to go back to sleep.
I know a big part of it is depression, and some of it is age, and some of it is re-awakening old passions. But in the meantime I’m left constantly exhausted, feeling unable to engage even with the things that I love, and without any means of recharging. A car forever running on fumes. And I don’t know how to re-awaken those passions when the things I used to love now feel like chores.
(credit to ADHD Alien)
Diagnosed As An Adult 