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Misery loves company and company loves more, more loves everybody else, but hell is others.

It’s time I admitted that I’m terrified of people. It’s not just the fact that I am autistic, although that certainly contributes. I can imitate social norms to a certain degree, but on their deepest level they are incomprehensible to me. I am 40 years old and still have frequent missteps when trying to navigateContinue reading “Misery loves company and company loves more, more loves everybody else, but hell is others.”

But then they sent me away to teach me how to be sensible, logical, responsible, practical…

It’s weird remembering my school days. I was a “gifted” child, of course, like many kids with ADHD. But also like many kids with ADHD, my gifts appeared very selective. The initial plan was to skip me directly into first grade. My ADHD-raddled five-year-old brain heartily disagreed with this plan, which is why I wasContinue reading “But then they sent me away to teach me how to be sensible, logical, responsible, practical…”

The monster I was so afraid of lies curled up on the floor.

In many respects, my brain is broken. I have a chemical imbalance that leads to depression and anxiety. I have a neurodevelopmental disorder that effects the dopaminergic production and function in my brain, resulting in difficulty maintaining my attention, organising, and completing tasks. I literally have to ingest chemicals in order to mitigate the issuesContinue reading “The monster I was so afraid of lies curled up on the floor.”

Is it all in that pretty little head of yours? What goes on in that place in the dark?

When I was first diagnosed as being autistic, I relayed the fact to my (then) therapist. Her first question was, “So does that mean you don’t feel emotion?” Any chance of a successful therapeutic relationship pretty much went out the window in that moment, but this isn’t about that. It’s more about perceptions of autismContinue reading “Is it all in that pretty little head of yours? What goes on in that place in the dark?”

It isn’t easy to be kind with all these demons in my mind.

I recently read the indomitable and incomparable Allie Brosh‘s second book, which includes a chapter on how she tried to overcome loneliness and depression after her divorce. She described the process as “befriending herself”. This is something that both my husband and my former therapists have attempted with me, but for some reason it resonatedContinue reading “It isn’t easy to be kind with all these demons in my mind.”

So today I’m gonna do my best to drink coffee in the morning and live as if I didn’t feel lonely and hopeless and helpless.

There are times that I feel despairing about my life and the way it has turned out. I turned forty years old last month. A woman now unquestionably in her middle years. I have no career. No savings. No real prospects for the future. Even if I was offered my dream job tomorrow, the chancesContinue reading “So today I’m gonna do my best to drink coffee in the morning and live as if I didn’t feel lonely and hopeless and helpless.”

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