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Line up the dominoes, a light wind blows. You try to stop it tumbling, But on and on it goes…

I’ve known for a while that my anxiety was a problem. For the entirety of my life, I’ve needed to drive myself to keep going. If I didn’t keep moving at full tilt, I wouldn’t get anything done. Lay off the whip and I’d go nowhere. And I think back in the day when IContinue reading “Line up the dominoes, a light wind blows. You try to stop it tumbling, But on and on it goes…”

Misery loves company and company loves more, more loves everybody else, but hell is others.

It’s time I admitted that I’m terrified of people. It’s not just the fact that I am autistic, although that certainly contributes. I can imitate social norms to a certain degree, but on their deepest level they are incomprehensible to me. I am 40 years old and still have frequent missteps when trying to navigateContinue reading “Misery loves company and company loves more, more loves everybody else, but hell is others.”

But then they sent me away to teach me how to be sensible, logical, responsible, practical…

It’s weird remembering my school days. I was a “gifted” child, of course, like many kids with ADHD. But also like many kids with ADHD, my gifts appeared very selective. The initial plan was to skip me directly into first grade. My ADHD-raddled five-year-old brain heartily disagreed with this plan, which is why I wasContinue reading “But then they sent me away to teach me how to be sensible, logical, responsible, practical…”

The monster I was so afraid of lies curled up on the floor.

In many respects, my brain is broken. I have a chemical imbalance that leads to depression and anxiety. I have a neurodevelopmental disorder that effects the dopaminergic production and function in my brain, resulting in difficulty maintaining my attention, organising, and completing tasks. I literally have to ingest chemicals in order to mitigate the issuesContinue reading “The monster I was so afraid of lies curled up on the floor.”

Is it all in that pretty little head of yours? What goes on in that place in the dark?

When I was first diagnosed as being autistic, I relayed the fact to my (then) therapist. Her first question was, “So does that mean you don’t feel emotion?” Any chance of a successful therapeutic relationship pretty much went out the window in that moment, but this isn’t about that. It’s more about perceptions of autismContinue reading “Is it all in that pretty little head of yours? What goes on in that place in the dark?”

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