Like many autistic girls, I masked my condition well. I was a quiet child, well-behaved, eager to please. I had no friends, of course, and the other children my age shunned me and called me weird, but as far as the adults were concerned I was the perfect child. It’s a big part of whyContinue reading “How does it feel to know you can’t go home?”
In many respects, my brain is broken. I have a chemical imbalance that leads to depression and anxiety. I have a neurodevelopmental disorder that effects the dopaminergic production and function in my brain, resulting in difficulty maintaining my attention, organising, and completing tasks. I literally have to ingest chemicals in order to mitigate the issuesContinue reading “The monster I was so afraid of lies curled up on the floor.”
I don’t know what feeds me anymore. When I was younger, I feel like I knew how to refresh myself. I could spend take a day off to read books, play video games, watch horror movies, spend some time with my friends, and come away feeling ready to engage with life again. And somewhere alongContinue reading “Maybe I’m just tired, or maybe I’m not brave.”
When I was first diagnosed as being autistic, I relayed the fact to my (then) therapist. Her first question was, “So does that mean you don’t feel emotion?” Any chance of a successful therapeutic relationship pretty much went out the window in that moment, but this isn’t about that. It’s more about perceptions of autismContinue reading “Is it all in that pretty little head of yours? What goes on in that place in the dark?”
I need to get more sleep. It’s the most basic science. Even in neurotypical people, sleep deprivation results in reduced ability to focus or complete tasks, so of course it wrecks complete havoc on those of us with ADHD. Every study available says the same thing; sleep is an absolutely vital component of living andContinue reading “I’m Having Trouble Trying to Sleep.”
I recently read the indomitable and incomparable Allie Brosh‘s second book, which includes a chapter on how she tried to overcome loneliness and depression after her divorce. She described the process as “befriending herself”. This is something that both my husband and my former therapists have attempted with me, but for some reason it resonatedContinue reading “It isn’t easy to be kind with all these demons in my mind.”
So today I’m gonna do my best to drink coffee in the morning and live as if I didn’t feel lonely and hopeless and helpless.
There are times that I feel despairing about my life and the way it has turned out. I turned forty years old last month. A woman now unquestionably in her middle years. I have no career. No savings. No real prospects for the future. Even if I was offered my dream job tomorrow, the chancesContinue reading “So today I’m gonna do my best to drink coffee in the morning and live as if I didn’t feel lonely and hopeless and helpless.”
Most of my childhood was spent living in the suburbs. It was not a place I enjoyed being. It’s a liminal space, the suburbs. It has neither the rich culture, opportunities, and convenience of the city, or the peace, privacy, and soul-restoring nature of the country. I could neither get away from people or goContinue reading “I’ve been to your cities, I didn’t stay long.”
There are many days that I just don’t want to do anything. Today is a perfect example. I have always had difficulty pulling myself from the rut of apathy. As a child, I would turn my friends away at the door because I didn’t “feel like” playing that day. I would turn down offers toContinue reading “I love to work at nothing all day”
When I grow up I will be brave enough to fight the creatures that you have to fight beneath the bed each night to be a grown-up…
I guess all children thinks that adults are invincible. I know that when I was very small, I assumed that my mother and father knew anything and everything. It was a shock to me when my mother explained that that there were many things she did not know, that life was a never-ending process ofContinue reading “When I grow up I will be brave enough to fight the creatures that you have to fight beneath the bed each night to be a grown-up…”
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