It’s time I admitted that I’m terrified of people. It’s not just the fact that I am autistic, although that certainly contributes. I can imitate social norms to a certain degree, but on their deepest level they are incomprehensible to me. I am 40 years old and still have frequent missteps when trying to navigateContinue reading “Misery loves company and company loves more, more loves everybody else, but hell is others.”
It’s weird remembering my school days. I was a “gifted” child, of course, like many kids with ADHD. But also like many kids with ADHD, my gifts appeared very selective. The initial plan was to skip me directly into first grade. My ADHD-raddled five-year-old brain heartily disagreed with this plan, which is why I wasContinue reading “But then they sent me away to teach me how to be sensible, logical, responsible, practical…”
Like many autistic girls, I masked my condition well. I was a quiet child, well-behaved, eager to please. I had no friends, of course, and the other children my age shunned me and called me weird, but as far as the adults were concerned I was the perfect child. It’s a big part of whyContinue reading “How does it feel to know you can’t go home?”
In many respects, my brain is broken. I have a chemical imbalance that leads to depression and anxiety. I have a neurodevelopmental disorder that effects the dopaminergic production and function in my brain, resulting in difficulty maintaining my attention, organising, and completing tasks. I literally have to ingest chemicals in order to mitigate the issuesContinue reading “The monster I was so afraid of lies curled up on the floor.”
I don’t know what feeds me anymore. When I was younger, I feel like I knew how to refresh myself. I could spend take a day off to read books, play video games, watch horror movies, spend some time with my friends, and come away feeling ready to engage with life again. And somewhere alongContinue reading “Maybe I’m just tired, or maybe I’m not brave.”
When I was first diagnosed as being autistic, I relayed the fact to my (then) therapist. Her first question was, “So does that mean you don’t feel emotion?” Any chance of a successful therapeutic relationship pretty much went out the window in that moment, but this isn’t about that. It’s more about perceptions of autismContinue reading “Is it all in that pretty little head of yours? What goes on in that place in the dark?”
I need to get more sleep. It’s the most basic science. Even in neurotypical people, sleep deprivation results in reduced ability to focus or complete tasks, so of course it wrecks complete havoc on those of us with ADHD. Every study available says the same thing; sleep is an absolutely vital component of living andContinue reading “I’m Having Trouble Trying to Sleep.”
I recently read the indomitable and incomparable Allie Brosh‘s second book, which includes a chapter on how she tried to overcome loneliness and depression after her divorce. She described the process as “befriending herself”. This is something that both my husband and my former therapists have attempted with me, but for some reason it resonatedContinue reading “It isn’t easy to be kind with all these demons in my mind.”
So today I’m gonna do my best to drink coffee in the morning and live as if I didn’t feel lonely and hopeless and helpless.
There are times that I feel despairing about my life and the way it has turned out. I turned forty years old last month. A woman now unquestionably in her middle years. I have no career. No savings. No real prospects for the future. Even if I was offered my dream job tomorrow, the chancesContinue reading “So today I’m gonna do my best to drink coffee in the morning and live as if I didn’t feel lonely and hopeless and helpless.”
Most of my childhood was spent living in the suburbs. It was not a place I enjoyed being. It’s a liminal space, the suburbs. It has neither the rich culture, opportunities, and convenience of the city, or the peace, privacy, and soul-restoring nature of the country. I could neither get away from people or goContinue reading “I’ve been to your cities, I didn’t stay long.”
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